The Miraculous Misconception

Book of Qualms, Chapter 3:1-26; (complete).
Known traditionally as The Miraculous Misconception.

Though not officially sanctioned, it is also known as the Sermon on the Butte.

1. The prophet Lodish, one of the early prophets in the Qualmish tradition, went to speak on a large hill that was flat on the top.  He announced that there are great confusions and false beliefs that mislead many and keep them from the light.

2. Thousands of people followed Lodish to the flattened hill, because they were certain that everyone else had many false beliefs, and they were looking forward to having them exposed.  The people were equally divided between those who had brought a sandwich and those who had not. The latter group was hoping that, in addition to great wisdom, there might also be a free buffet.

3.  Lodish said, “We suffer from many misconceptions.  I will not start with the greatest misconception nor the least, but somewhere in the middle, because it is a misconception that everything has to be in order.”

4. The crowd was silent, because already there was great wisdom here.

5. The prophet continued, “I tell you now, it does not take all kinds to make a world.”  He glanced at the people who had not packed a lunch and said, “Yea, there are kinds of people who are not needed to make the world.”

6. “If you are parents telling your children that it takes all kinds to make a world, you should stop, and if you are children being told that it takes all kinds to make a world, you should not believe.  Parent will turn on child, and child on parent, and sibling on sibling until we get this straightened out.”

7. The people who had not brought a sandwich were silent because they worried that Lodish was describing them. The people with sandwiches were outraged, shouting, “But this is ancient wisdom handed down from generation to generation. Surely it takes all kinds to make the world.”

8.  And the people who had brought a sandwich further challenged Lodish by saying, “Who can you say is unnecessary for our world?”

9.  There was murmuring and unrest.

10. Lodish held up his hand and said, “For example, men who have eyes in the back of their heads and hamster wheels in place of their genitals are not needed to make a world.”*

11. The people with sandwiches said, “What?” A few moments later they said, “You are demon-possessed. You speak of men with hamster wheels for genitals. There are no such men, nor will there ever be.”

12. And the prophet Lodish said, “That is the point, there are no such men and yet there is a world.  It must not take all kinds to make the world.”

13. And the people who had not brought sandwiches were greatly relieved he was not referring to them and saw truly that Lodish was a good and wise prophet. But the people with sandwiches felt tricked and were outraged and said, “Who the hell are you to talk to us in this manner?”

14. And Lodish said, “This brings us to another misconception.  Sometimes, it does hurt to ask.” And at that moment, all of the people with sandwiches had none, and all of the people who had not brought a sandwich had a sandwich, and it was a miracle… or theft, hard to say; there was no investigation.

15. Lodish returned to the misconception that it takes all kinds to make the world. He had just been messing with the people previously, as was his prophetic style.

16. Lodish said, “I assure you that there are people who live among us today who are not needed to make a world.  There are men who enjoy the killing of innocent children; these men we do not need.”

17. Lodish pointed to a man who had a sandwich and said, “Stand and tell us your name,” and the man stood and said his name was Loth.  Lodish asked, “Loth, what if a man snuck into your house and killed one of your children?”

18. Loth paused briefly and said, “Which child?  I am not that partial to little Kanji.” And lightning blazed from the sky and struck Loth instantly dead. All of the people looked up and saw that the sky was clear and blue.

19. Lodish thought, “Wow, what are the odds of that?  Maybe there really is a God” and Lodish fell to his knees silently praying, “Dear God, these people are idiots. Do I have to keep teaching them?”

20. God did not immediately answer. Lodish started thinking that Loth was the only person standing on the hill aside from himself, and that Loth was a lot taller than Lodish, and that lightning tends to strike the tallest thing around, and that sometimes lightning comes out of the blue, and Lodish was inside the Qualmish qualm.

21. Maybe there was no God, or maybe Lodish was too busy calculating the probability of a lightning bolt to hear Him.

22. Lodish rose slowly to his feet and pointed to another man and said, rise and tell us your name.  The man did not rise, but said his name was Jasper.  Lodish asked, “Jasper, if a man snuck into your house and killed one of your children, how would you feel?”

23. And Jasper immediately answered, “That would be horrible! We do not need such men in the world.” And all of the people remained seated and shouted together, “It does not take such men to make a world!”

24. And Lodish looked on the masses and thought, “Even when they are right, these people are idiots.”

25. Lodish realized that he was the only person standing on the hill, and he looked to the blue sky and stood on his toes, raised his hands as high as he could, closed his eyes, and hoped for a bolt of lightning.

26. The people assumed that meant the sermon was over, and because Lodish did not tell them otherwise, it is the traditional way to end a meeting of the Qualmish to this day.

*Translator’s note: This ancient phrase obviously does not refer to literal “hamster wheels”. It appears to be an unfamiliar idiom of the time, literally referring to mice riding on coins. I have modernized the phrase in an attempt to stay true to the spirit of the text.